Category: Uncategorized

Ya know what they say about plans…

Fate whispers to the warrior “You cannot withstand this storm.”
And the warrior whispers back, “I am the storm.” – not sure of source

I really like how L over at Viva Carlos has a quote at the beginning of all her posts. If I had enough pearls of wisdom on hand, I would totally do it. Though given my writing frequency, maybe I would have enough…

When we (I) last left off, I said I didn’t know how much I might write in 2018. I had an inspiring fortune that coincided with how I want to see myself this year (thankfully I’m a big sister, so that part was already taken care of).

And then I start a draft about 2018 in which I decide, very cleverly, instead of resolutions, I’m aiming for a mindset this year. I’m not going to beat myself up about that – I think it’s actually a good idea, and if I’m serious about it, then how convenient that it’s already being tested amIright?

I am right. Annoyingly so, because this week I found myself thinking…

“what’s the point?”

“am I ever going to catch a break?”

“I finally get my narcolepsy under control… and now this???”

The Outpatient

There was a short procedure last Wednesday – my first time having anesthesia since I was 10. That being pre-narcolepsy, I was concerned because there’s a small body of research indicating PWN (persons with narcolepsy) can have more adverse reactions to general anesthetic (taking longer to wake-up mainly).

Thankfully, when using shorter-acting anesthetics (as in my procedure) and when the caregivers are aware of the situation, this risk pretty much goes away. Other than having cataplexy upon waking up, I had no issues. Everything taken care of.

So, what was this procedure? Putting a little stent up in my right kidney, which was giving me irregular bouts of intense pain starting back in September. There were no stones, masses, or issues seen on scans beyond my kidney being a bit bigger than normal. Thus, the procedure to figure out what may be causing it and get the excess liquid moving.

While I was still slogging through my molasses mind, the urologist briefly told me (I think) that I have crossing vessels and that we’d need to set a follow up. As it turns out, I hit the genetic jackpot and a little artery is making life very difficult for my poor kidney. Said follow-up is about a week away, but what my mom remembers him telling her is that basically my options are to continue having these stents replaced every four months or so, orrr I have a pyeloplasty (fancy or more-denial friendly way of saying they reconstruct my renal pelvis). I’ve been avoiding reading up on it, but the estimate my mom remembers is inpatient for 5-7 days and then 4-6 weeks off work after that.

No Time

Where’s option C where the problem is fixed and I need zero more surgeries? I’ve got one of my best friends weddings this summer, there’s a puppy that’s going to be ready to come home with me in less than a month. I’m supposed to be giving my first presentation on sleep in two; I’m trying to move out this week. I wanted to try and lease one of my trainer’s horses this spring and show more this summer/fall. And be on the lookout for whatever adventures come from that.

I don’t think it’s so far out of left field to be bummed about this and feeling a bit panicky. I’ve got people telling me “why not get it done as soon as possible? You don’t want to spend your summer recovering!” And others saying to wait until summer. Unfortunately, my work couldn’t handle me being gone that long without needed to hire someone else. Working for a small business has plenty of perks, but having extra bodies for when one person’s out is not one of them.

Waiting….

All I can do right now is read up more on ureteropelvic junction obstructions (UPJ/UPJO) caused by crossing vessels, shift and tell my bladder that the doctor said this was normal when it yells every 5 minutes that HEY WE NEED TO GO TO THE LADIES ROOM – and gather small things around to move out. Except, depending on how the appointment next week goes, not entirely sure how long that might last…

A new look doesn’t change how loud my keyboard is…

I decided it was time for a change, because I’m not going anywhere for the time being. That means new layout, new post, new tagline that I’ll change when I come up with something better… and taking my (full) name off of what I’m writing because, although I’m aware anyone with enough time could track me down, that will hopefully be too much effort and I can enjoy at least the illusion of anonymity.

What’s my dilemma? Maybe the better question is what isn’t my dilemma? Right now, I feel like I need to explain everything. I always feel like that, and then I end up with way too much context. But I don’t have to do anything like that – the most pressing current dilemma is that I get anxious typing too much on my computer. I want to write so badly, but I stumble over words, start putting too much context, and then I’ll have my mom or sister ask me what in the world am I doing (ok, that doesn’t always happen, but I don’t want to say I’m writing… and then have them ask what I’m writing about, because I don’t have an answer for that either).

Another dilemma: categories. Why the hell do I have so many? It seems so cluttered, and I have some that might as well be multiples.

Underlying problems…

This is all to distract me from the fact that I’m disappointed in myself. Not every waking moment, but overall?

STOP SLAMMING THE DOOR.

Sorry, that was for my mom. I want to take it out, delete it, but… I’m tagging this with honesty so in it shall stay. I live with my mother and younger sister. My mother is somehow incapable of simply shutting the door that goes from our kitchen out to the garage. Instead, she slams it, as if she doesn’t have the time for that extra step it takes, or the door has a faulty frame that required extra “oomph” to ensure it stays closed. I also honestly think she just enjoys rattling the entire structure of our home, whether it’s 7 a.m. or 10:30 p.m.

My mom takes up a lot of my focus and energy. There’s a lot of baggage there, baggage I can’t just be sharing with the world because, I still live with her.

Everyone’s parents screw their kids up a bit – it’s a fact of life. It can be totally unintentional, but it doesn’t change the fact that it affects me. When in my case, my parent can’t acknowledge or recognize that she’s ever done any wrong (and now that I’m an adult, I’m not innocent either, I know), and I’ll just go ahead and say I feel like it was more than the average “oops,” well, it makes it that much harder to process and forgive and move on.

This wasn’t supposed to be about my mom or my family, but to hell with it – this certainly goes under the category of “underlying problems.”

Did I add too many tags?

Hello over thinking! My constant companion and ever loyal friend. Too many tags? Wrong category? Did I share too much? Is someone going to tell me how terrible of a writer I am? I’m trying to decide if I like the voice I’m writing in at the moment; it’s so uncertain and spastic, not at all the usual calm, articulate, knowledgeable one I try so hard to put out in public. Sure I let this out writing in a journal, but all the “how-to’s” expressly warn against this sort of lolly-gagging.

Door slam #2.

I’m not supposed to write like this. This kind of writing was for LiveJournal and MySpace and the early blogger sites. Not a professional WordPress site, or my personal brand.

Door slam #3.

Someone I know in real life might find this… and tell her… and then what? We haven’t had a good ‘fight’ in a while, so I am a bit worried we’re due, but can’t say for sure. Or maybe a future employer, although jokes on me because I won’t be looking for a full-time job any time soon! Fuck you narcolepsy. Can I say how good it feels to just swear in writing? I’ve been so tight-knit lately, and especially in pretty much all the writing I’ve done this year. Now I’m really questioning whether I should publish this, or make this dusty draft number 37 (hope I’m not the only one with this problem…) in my poor queue.  It’s so hard to determine if what I’m writing has any possible potential for value to anyone, now or later.

I have this little problem where I mistake my value for the image I think I need to portray, or the next accomplishment I see looming on the horizon. I can’t separate the two. I see now that it is, in fact, probably not good, but I don’t even know the extent of it yet. I’m kind of hoping to figure some of that out with this whole new look thing, but as I alluded to, a new look isn’t going to make my keyboard any quieter and I’ll just have to get over that.

So, yes, this is different. And scary to post. Because it’s me… not Advocate Me, not Recreation Therapist Me, not Equestrian Me, Sister Me, Runner/Healthy Me or Academic Me, or even Political Advocate Me, it’s just… me.