Synchronicity is one of my favorite words. I don’t think that everything happens for a reason, but I try to see events and relationships through all the ways they influence … Continue reading Appreciating 2018
This is slightly out of order, but done intentionally. This was my first blog back after losing my pony, trainer, family unit and several friends. As I mentioned on Monday, I was way too busy my senior year of high school. This was absolutely (though unknown at the time) to avoid all of my feelings about before-mentioned stressful events! Here I expand on it some, but again it’s a laundry list – I was stuck in the over-commitment race and was unaware a finish line didn’t exist.
I’m noticing that I tend to assume past me was a know-it-all and some cocky little shit, when in reality, I had (and still) consistently gone extra lengths to avoid just that image: “not to say I’m wise or anything!” “I can be downright naive!” I was 18, of course I’m not going to be some sage! But God forbid I don’t acknowledge it and miss beating hypothetical “you” to the punch. Should I write anything confidently and then be questioned as to whether it was right/wrong (or worse, proven wrong), I can save face with written proof that I’ve already admitted I’m neither wise or all-knowing.
It’s a safety strategy, like a lot of other little habits I’ve been digging up after nearly a full year’s worth of consistent therapy.
Spoiler: The combined training event didn’t happen and following high school graduation I would go on to be Way Too Busy for three out of four years of undergrad, in spite of some maladaptive self-talk that constantly reminded me other people were doing more and I better stop complaining.
Next week (or whenever) plan on talking about the therapeutic riding
totally not PATH compliant program at the barn where I worked and yet more broken wheels on my busyness.
November 4, 2011
Take two? Dos? Sixth? 29436874127? Doesn’t matter, it’s closing in on three years since I officially announced my title as an eventing wannabe (I recently learned that for three years my ‘blog’ – a.k.a. two posts – sat here grammatically incorrect as eventing wanna-be… cripes.) to the entire, ginormous world. It was a big step for a little freshman. I felt pretty good about myself. Like I had a lot of wisdom – I was hot stuff. I felt like I’d accomplished something in just writing it out; although I freely admit I talked the talk but certainly didn’t walk anything resembling a straight line on my own two feet regarding this.
Simply, if my goal was a breathalyzer test, I’d fail… miserably.
I’ve done a lot of growing up in nearly three years; I’ve had a lot of experiences I never would have had if I would have continued on the same path I puddled along on when I wrote those first two posts. That’s not to say I’m wise or anything; shoot I can be downright naive sometimes! Not the point, not the point…
I’m a busy senior who has immersed herself with a multitude of challenging classes – some of which I truly believe are over my head *coughcoughcalculuscoughcough* and out to take over mah lipheee – as well as a varsity sport and multiple activities/clubs/service activities to keep plenty busy. This all happened after I was forced to give up Peanut circa summer ’09. I’ve ridden every now and then, but nothing regular since. Eventing wannabe simply became rider wannabe. In fact, I went on about a ten month stint without so much as being in a barn; for someone who’s life had revolved around horses from age seven to age sixteen, that was a pretty big deal!
Ever since I stopped riding regularly, however, I’ve thought about it from time to time. How much I miss it, how happy it made me, and I’d get myself all motivated to just go out and do it.
But then something would get in the way; whether it was school, sports, family, friends (I use the last two loosely as they are never “in the way”) or even myself, something always prevented it from happening.
I’ve done some prioritizing though. Tallied up all my commitments, created check lists (ok, this is more of a work in progress) to keep myself organized, and prepared myself for a new commitment. I still have a lot of obstacles: my parents are divorced and one is unemployed, the other doing the best they can – I’m thankful for both of them; I have a job, but I have college to think about, too; I have a lot of school-related commitments – if I were to list them all it would quickly become overwhelming (to myself) and extremely boring (to a reader), because really, who likes to read, or hear, people rattling off a list of day-to-day activities?
I’ve heard, though, that writing down a goal automatically makes you more apt to go for it, and maybe, accomplish it.
So, here it goes, for better or worse: I will compete in a combined training event safely within the next two years, have no regard to score or placing, and have fun doing it!
Until then, I’ll be a wannabe, but I’ll also be a learner, so I can accomplish this lofty little goal of mine. :]
In the spirit of the season, one thing I’m grateful for is a handful of unpublished blogs from when I was writing over at blogspot five-ish years ago. Apparently my … Continue reading From blogspot: It’s a start
I’ve never gotten to participate in the storied torture/tradition of No Stirrup November in my years of riding, so if being excited about it after my first lesson makes me crazy, I’ll gladly hold that title. After fretting over the microsleep at the show on Sunday, I had a great ride on Wednesday with M and then rode again on Friday with the pony club kids who were doing mounted games. In all reality, a few simple choices would have likely prevented the episode from occurring, and it does me no good to dwell on it.
On Wednesday Divine initially continued her lackadaisical demeanor from Sunday, but once she realized we were getting to do her favorite thing (canter), she was insistent on a trot speed that offered the best chance for falling into a canter. So that was slightly painful until after she had a good five minutes of trot-canter-trot transitions circling about the arena. M had an understandably more difficult time on Eli, who’s trot I would liken to a slow-motion, extra-springy pogo-stick that could quite literally bounce someone out of the tack should they start giggling (may or may not have happened in this lesson…).
Friday I was excited to do games like the egg and spoon race and whatever crazy relay they came up with, on Pretty, the 12 hand wonder/devil pony, but after my futile attempts to catch her, I was bequeathed with Rain instead. Rain is a WhoTheHellKnowsBred that most closely resembles a Dutch Harness horse. She came off the slaughter lot, learned a ton with trainer MS, was sold and then returned (but not before being almost completely soured) and has been worked intermittently since. I actually liked her a lot, but completely emphasize with M now – MS warned me that she has yet to sit her trot, and my measly attempts were met with some pinned ears from her and a quick return to posting on my part unless I wanted to eventually part ways with her. Even with a bucking fit (due to a loose girth, my fault) and a mini-meltdown from a hula-hoop (not totally unreasonable), I never felt afraid or like I was going to come off.
I mention that for two reasons. One is because when I started back riding in June after a over a year off, I was seriously questioning if I’d still have my nerve and “pick up the bike-ness” so to speak. Two is that it’s baffling to me that I can be so calm with a spooky or actively bucking horse and then terrified about some additional medical testing I’m having done this week. Objectively, I’d say that’s probably because I have a lot more experience with horses and a lot less with obscure diagnostics which I have no idea how my body will react to. And that seems… pretty obvious. But what am I trying to prove by admitting the later and building myself up with the former? Why’s that question important? I’ve got no answer to either question.
Instead of complaining about how I don’t have pictures or videos from my last lesson, I’m just appreciating how happy riding on a regular basis makes me.
It was the coldest lesson M and I have had so far this fall, but at least it wasn’t raining like the day before. We went
mudding jumping outside with M on Eli, her new love after all of two rides, and I was back on Divine for the first time since September. What I noticed was how much more attentive she was; when I first started on her in June there was much wiggling, lots of curling-into-a-ball-but-also-bracing-on-your-hands, and for extra fun, exuberant zoomies when she was feeling herself or alternatively, displeased/complaining about what was being asked.
None of that on Tuesday! Towards the end of the lesson we got to create our own course and I decided we needed redemption after a failed tight turn from earlier (my error, not hers). I think to both red-mare and I’s surprise, she nearly did a roll-back, which resulted in me completely forgetting the last jump I had in mind until after we had passed it.
Besides that, our entire lesson felt great and was a good confidence builder in preparation for the Halloween fun show on Sunday (more on that shortly). As a bonus, once we were done with our lesson, trainer MS was gracious enough to offer me a ride on her 12.2hh Welsh gelding named River that she recently brought out to the stable from her parents farm. He’s fluffy, out of shape, and occasionally pops a back leg when he disagrees with his rider. That said, he did not feel 12.2 in the least – he’s quick and has a surprisingly large stride for a little fellow.
The jump class I’m planning on entering Sunday only goes up to 2’3″, but considering I’ve never competed over fences, I think that’s plenty to get my feet wet. Since the classes are so cheap, I’m also planning on doing an equitation class (throw back to college!) and a dressage class (never competed in this either) so we’ll see how this goes!
All of this is dependent on the weather… Today, when I went out to help clean up for the trick or treat/haunted woods event that’s going on tomorrow evening, the temperature was hovering just below 40. An hour in to de-cobwebbing stalls and there was both a steady rain and steady temp drop. As long as there’s no snow or freezing rain, I’ll hopefully keep the complaining to a minimum.
I’ve not written anything here in almost two months, and nothing devoted to riding in a whole lot longer. But here I am showing this weekend and I haven’t done that since 2015 so a little blog post ain’t no thang.
I’d be doing work I enjoy and where I can put my health first. I’d show others that you can be successful AND manage narcolepsy AND not hide it, but embrace listening to what your body tells you. I’d help others with something practical or empowering and then maintain those relationships. I want to learn and love – through travel, through culture, nature, activities, strangers and friends. At the same time, I want to be more present and less concerned about checking things off. Horseback riding was the first thing I shifted from a goal-oriented activity to enjoying for its own sake after a whole mess of experiences, and still amazes and excites me every time I go to the stable. If I stop for a second though, technically, I’m doing a lot of the above already. I want to say “BUT IT’S NOT ENOUGH,” but why? Why is it not enough? Because I say it’s not, think it’s not, assume it’s not. Therefore, it IS not. And it will stay that way as long as I want it to. I’ve already been through the phase where I secretly wanted everyone’s pity, but pretended like I didn’t. I pretended to be fine with my life circumstances when I was so very not. Then I dropped the facade and just openly complained about the impossibility of it all (still do this some…).
But what if I could truly just be ok with where I’m at? There are some real benefits. I’m getting to ride on a regular basis – last week I jumped cross country for the first time and I can’t even describe how insanely happy that made me. I actually had three lessons last week! I rode in a show jumping clinic with Kira Conner, a CIC** eventer out of North Carolina, on a cheeky pony that has scope for daaays. Then I did a little dressage test with the OTTB mare I later rode on Friday for xc and she was a star for that as well.
Did I mention I’m back at the stable where I first sat on a horse 15 years ago, all of 10 minutes from my house? And my instructor is someone I rode with in 4th grade? It’s a small world folks.
Then there’s the fact that I kinda-sorta have a dog. Well the benefits of one at the moment, without the responsibility or costs. I walk/run with her most mornings, and as a Husky, she has been thoroughly enjoying the recent temperature drop we’re having in the Midwest. One of the things I love about it is that it gets me moving and outside first thing. There’s still dew on the lawns of my tree-lined neighborhood and the sun makes us squint and warms my skin when we’re walking back. She’s taken to looking for me and will lay at the end of her house keeping an eye on either my or the bathroom window. While I know her enthusiasm is more for the walk than for me, I still can’t help but laugh and get more excited as she spins in circles (and still occasionally tries to jump on me… sigh… work in progress) and starts whimpering when she feels I’m not moving fast enough.
There’s also all the time I’ve had to learn more about myself; through therapy, through researching narcolepsy, keeping up with current events (although those can be just as depressing as my own vicious little circles…), learning more about the Myers Briggs system, the Enneagram, Spiral Dynamics and other systems. I’m figuring out what my habits are – beneficial and not-so-helpful. I’m working on my self-esteem, becoming more involved with my community, reading books, going through all of accumulated stuff from over the years.
I’m not doing so bad anymore.
Even that is scary to admit, because I think I assume by naming that, I can’t have any more bad days. Or that stating that will call forth more shit. But I’m thinking too far into the future again – something I am incredibly good at, for better and worse. Right now, I am well. I am content. I’m still keeping an eye out for the proverbial Next Opportunity, but I don’t need to go blindly chasing after it. I’ve started reading Sheryl Sandberg’s Lean In, and just read the part about mentors, wherein countless young women will explicitly ask (sometimes) random people “will you be my mentor?”
Now, I want a mentor as much as the next person. I’ve never asked someone if they would be/are my mentor, but I’ve done it with opportunities: I will literally ask myself if this is my next big thing. Nine times out of ten, when I’ve had to ask that, I’m trying to make it something it’s probably not. The most influential opportunities/decisions I’ve had, I didn’t need to ask. I either knew it was, or went in with no expectations. To be clear, that’s not lowered expectations, but none, and it’s helped create some of my best experiences, or ‘lead-in’ opportunities because whatever it is, is enough. Point being, I know how to just be and ‘catch’ big possibilities that come near me with forcing it, but doing that on a daily basis is more challenging. I’m making a concerted effort because where I’m at and who I am right now must be enough, otherwise I’ll spend more time in the mindset of my last several posts here, which only creates more of the same.
Here’s to succeeding, surely failing, and then succeeding again at being enough.
That is the question. I have my certification and can include CTRS behind my name, but that’s about the extent of it. I haven’t mentioned anything about RT here in … Continue reading To rec therapy or to not rec therapy…